Update: I wrote a new blog post (GraspingFreedom: A few thoughts on the expectations for marriage) to follow-up on this one. It's more personal and more thoughtful than this one. Enjoy!
My mom is a snob when it comes to eating good rice. She wakes up every morning to cook fresh rice and refuses to use an electric rice cooker. She made sure my sisters and I knew how to properly steam rice. It is not as complicated as it seems but I always remember it being the hardest skill to master. Every time I finished cooking, I gave her some rice to taste. Sometimes my rice was too mushy and sometimes it was too hard. There were rare occasions when my rice came out perfectly and my mom would smile with satisfaction. She had an expectation for us to prepare rice well so, for a while, I longed for her approval whenever I cooked.
For my mom, preparing perfect rice was the beginning of preparing for a good life with your in-laws after marriage. She never said it that way, but that’s just what I think she meant.
Growing up my sisters and I had our moments of rebellion and didn’t always help my mom in the kitchen. Every time we rebelled, we heard the same question from her, “How are you going to cook for your in-laws in the future?”
We had responses prepared for this. We talked about never getting married or refusing to live with our in-laws even if it defies tradition. I think my mom laughed at us every time we said those words because our retaliation was unrealistic to her.
Mom does know best. Apparently the expectations of elders have a stronger pull on us than we think. I’ll write about that another day. For now, I’ll share my teenage thoughts on the idea of living with my future in-laws.
When I was a teenager, it was the norm for newlyweds to live with family before moving out to live on their own. To avoid any conflict about where to live, I created a guide on how to avoid living with the in-laws.
DISCLOSURE: This is just for fun. I came up with these scenarios as an angsty 17-year-old. I’m not married so I have no real experiences to share. Don’t take any of this seriously but I won’t stop you if you want to use this guide.
The Hmong Girl’s Guide To Avoid Living With the In-Laws
1. Don’t get married young
This is as straightforward as it’s going to get. If you’re young, you will be dependent on them. Get married when you are grown adults making your own money and paying your own bills.
2. Get a job in a different city far, far away.
In this situation, they can’t make a good case for you to stay. Don’t make the mistake of living in a nearby city. You wouldn’t be able to use distance as an excuse not to visit. You need to be at least a 2 hour drive away if you only want to see them on the holidays.
3. Sacrifice a sister
In-laws will not mind having more than one daughter-in-law living under their roof but there’s a chance they won’t try so hard if they already have one. Make sure there’s already a daughter-in-law living with them. If there isn’t, then wait for one of the other brothers to get married first. Keep in mind that if you have to wait for another brother to marry first, you are either too young to marry or you’re marrying the oldest son. Please refer back to #1 on this list and take that advice or read ahead and consider your options in #4.
4. Don’t marry the oldest or youngest son. DON’T EVER MARRY THE ONLY SON OF A FAMILY!
You might get lucky and dodge living with them now, but you will be stuck with them later! The oldest son is expected to be reliable. If you’re married to him then you get sucked into all their problems. The youngest son gets spoiled and you will reap the benefits for a little while but it’s customary to live with them. You’re just asking for it if you marry the only son in the family. Your first preference should be the forgotten middle son.
5. Don’t marry a Hmong guy
I guess I was wrong. This is as straightforward as #1. There’s nothing wrong with Hmong guys so there’s no need to get all worked up here. It’s too bad you can’t choose your parents.
6. Independant family culture
You’re a lucky girl when his parents would rather have you all out of the house than staying with them. It’s a bonus when they’re also in good health and they have no major issues needing your attention. Hang on to this guy.
Did I miss anything?
The times are changing and it seems like a lot of people won’t need to manipulate their way out of living with their in-laws anymore. If any of this is relevant to you, well I hope you had a good laugh. Have a happy marriage folks!
For the record, I do want to like my future in-laws if that day ever comes.
Update: I wrote a new blog post (GraspingFreedom: A few thoughts on the expectations for marriage) to follow-up on this one. It's more personal and more thoughtful than this one. Enjoy!
My mom is a snob when it comes to eating good rice. She wakes up every morning to cook fresh rice and refuses to use an electric rice cooker. She made sure my sisters and I knew how to properly steam rice. It is not as complicated as it seems but I always remember it being the hardest skill to master. Every time I finished cooking, I gave her some rice to taste. Sometimes my rice was too mushy and sometimes it was too hard. There were rare occasions when my rice came out perfectly and my mom would smile with satisfaction. She had an expectation for us to prepare rice well so, for a while, I longed for her approval whenever I cooked.
For my mom, preparing perfect rice was the beginning of preparing for a good life with your in-laws after marriage. She never said it that way, but that’s just what I think she meant.
Growing up my sisters and I had our moments of rebellion and didn’t always help my mom in the kitchen. Every time we rebelled, we heard the same question from her, “How are you going to cook for your in-laws in the future?”
We had responses prepared for this. We talked about never getting married or refusing to live with our in-laws even if it defies tradition. I think my mom laughed at us every time we said those words because our retaliation was unrealistic to her.
Mom does know best. Apparently the expectations of elders have a stronger pull on us than we think. I’ll write about that another day. For now, I’ll share my teenage thoughts on the idea of living with my future in-laws.
When I was a teenager, it was the norm for newlyweds to live with family before moving out to live on their own. To avoid any conflict about where to live, I created a guide on how to avoid living with the in-laws.
DISCLOSURE: This is just for fun. I came up with these scenarios as an angsty 17-year-old. I’m not married so I have no real experiences to share. Don’t take any of this seriously but I won’t stop you if you want to use this guide.
The Hmong Girl’s Guide To Avoid Living With the In-Laws
1. Don’t get married young
This is as straightforward as it’s going to get. If you’re young, you will be dependent on them. Get married when you are grown adults making your own money and paying your own bills.
2. Get a job in a different city far, far away.
In this situation, they can’t make a good case for you to stay. Don’t make the mistake of living in a nearby city. You wouldn’t be able to use distance as an excuse not to visit. You need to be at least a 2 hour drive away if you only want to see them on the holidays.
3. Sacrifice a sister
In-laws will not mind having more than one daughter-in-law living under their roof but there’s a chance they won’t try so hard if they already have one. Make sure there’s already a daughter-in-law living with them. If there isn’t, then wait for one of the other brothers to get married first. Keep in mind that if you have to wait for another brother to marry first, you are either too young to marry or you’re marrying the oldest son. Please refer back to #1 on this list and take that advice or read ahead and consider your options in #4.
4. Don’t marry the oldest or youngest son. DON’T EVER MARRY THE ONLY SON OF A FAMILY!
You might get lucky and dodge living with them now, but you will be stuck with them later! The oldest son is expected to be reliable. If you’re married to him then you get sucked into all their problems. The youngest son gets spoiled and you will reap the benefits for a little while but it’s customary to live with them. You’re just asking for it if you marry the only son in the family. Your first preference should be the forgotten middle son.
5. Don’t marry a Hmong guy
I guess I was wrong. This is as straightforward as #1. There’s nothing wrong with Hmong guys so there’s no need to get all worked up here. It’s too bad you can’t choose your parents.
6. Independant family culture
You’re a lucky girl when his parents would rather have you all out of the house than staying with them. It’s a bonus when they’re also in good health and they have no major issues needing your attention. Hang on to this guy.
Did I miss anything?
The times are changing and it seems like a lot of people won’t need to manipulate their way out of living with their in-laws anymore. If any of this is relevant to you, well I hope you had a good laugh. Have a happy marriage folks!
For the record, I do want to like my future in-laws if that day ever comes.
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Wednesday, June 24, 2015
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expectations /
family /
Hmong
5 comments
So what's #5 then? Lol.
Thanks for the pointing out the typo. Fixed!
Haha this made me chuckle. Good read.
Did you know that your blog post was used on this website? http://bigbadmonkey.com/the-hmong-girls-guide-to-avoid-living-with-the-in-laws-awesome-read/
Yes, I noticed when I started to get a lot of traffic coming from that website. It was posted without my permission. I am not affiliated with the site and unfamiliar with what the website is about.
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